Not your average family

by | Oct 7, 2014 | Editor's Blog, Gay Marriage | 12 comments

Yesterday was truly an historic day. For all intents and purposes, the Supreme Court cleared the way for people in North Carolina to marry the people they love. The governor, for his part, said his administration wouldn’t spend time or money to fight the court’s decision. I imagine gay people will be getting married in North Carolina in the very near future.

It’s been a remarkably rapid shift in public opinion. My younger children, who are 6 and 9, will grow up thinking nothing of watching men marry the men they love or women marrying their girlfriends. For my older daughter, who turns 25 on Election Day, it was a whole different story.

My daughter was 9 years old when her mother told me that she had a crush on a woman. She had just turned 10 when we ended our marriage. And back then, just 15 years ago, the world was a different place. Ellen had only been out of the closet for two years and Will and Grace was a controversial new show.

A few years earlier, my ex-wife’s mother died of cancer when she was only 54 years old. Her death had a profound effect on us both. We realized how quickly life could end and that there are no second chances.

So when Catherine came out to me, I couldn’t begrudge her being herself. I mourned for the loss of my family as I had known it, but began to adapt to a new definition of family. We tried to put our daughter first and built a new type of relationship.

We didn’t hide from the circumstances of our divorce but we didn’t advertise it, either. We worried most about the impact on our daughter. Divorce was tough enough. Having a gay parent was an extra burden.

We didn’t know many families in similar situations. Even in the liberal bubble of Chapel Hill and Carrboro, we were an oddity and that’s the last thing a kid entering adolescence wants to be.

When our daughter was twelve, she had a meltdown when her mother brought her partner to pick her up from summer camp. She was angry and embarrassed. We learned that other kids at school had ostracized her and the school wasn’t equipped to deal with it. For a parent, it was heart wrenching. For my daughter, it was isolating and incredibly lonely.

Like all families, we dealt with it. My daughter survived and, eventually, thrived. We survived, too. I got remarried to a wonderful woman and had a couple of more kids. Catherine got married again, too, last year, but she had to go to New York. I still owe them a wedding present.

I don’t have any regrets about how my first marriage worked out. It just changed the way I think about families. And I don’t believe that we can stop kids from picking on kids. But I believe that when we are celebrating, instead of alienating, same sex couples, there will be fewer lonely and embarrassed twelve year olds because there will be a more welcoming and sympathetic world awaiting them. When that happens, we’re all winning.

Congratulations to all of my LGBT family and friends who have fought so long and hard for this moment.

12 Comments

  1. Anne McLean

    Such a beautiful story, Thomas, and thank you for sharing it. I honestly believe there will be a day when everyone wonders why in the world there were ever laws preventing some people from marrying the partners they love. I just hope I’m around to experience it.

  2. Gator

    Brilliant. Thank you for being you.

    • Dennis Wayne Crotts

      I must be missing something here I read this morning this morn Raleigh was going to continue fighting this ruling and wanted to see the ruling overturn. I look forward when gay people in NC can marry and not have to fight for this right anymore

  3. Douglas Berger

    I am so proud to have you as a friend.

  4. Jim Neal

    Thomas,

    That’s beautiful. I didn’t know- of all people! I can attest to the quiet but determined way in which you worked awfully hard for a gay candidate in his run for the US Senate in 2008- even when the checks quit coming in….

    I wasn’t surprised when you and Jenae named your son Atticus. It fit.

    your friend,

    jim

  5. Dennis Wayne Crotts

    As a Gay North Carolinian this makes me very happy to see the state is going to do the right thing and give the freedom to Gay and Lesbian Couples to marry. And one day I hope to meet someone and get married in my home state.

  6. lynnweller

    Thanks for sharing this Thomas. It is good to remember where things look hopeful and are improving.

  7. Bob Geary

    Well said, Thomas.

  8. Mick

    Thank you, Thomas, for candidly and honestly sharing your story.

    After the news broke yesterday, three thoughts kept revolving around my mind.

    First, I thought about just about every gay friend, couple, co-worker and acquaintance I’ve known through the years, and about what very good, deserving, and caring people they are/were.

    Second, while surprised and pleased by how quickly American society had changed with regard to accepting gays as citizens with civil rights, I still couldn’t help but harbor some ill will against the Tillises, the Bergers, and the host of organizations (including the church-affiliated) for having such closed minds and for driving that NC marriage amendment through in 2012.

    Finally, I smiled when I thought about what a happy day is must be for all the gay couples, their friends and their families across the nation.

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