You have to hand it to the Republican Party.
Although the Republicans have only won the popular vote for the Presidency once in the last 28
And although they are currently the minority in the House, the Senate, and have lost the
And although, they have been caught red-handed, pants down, in bold-faced lies about election
fraud, about mail-in voting, the pandemic, mask-wearing, and a violent insurrection….
And although they have lost more than sixty bogus lawsuits, and have been sued (along with their
partners-in-crime, Rudy Guiliani, the Pillow Guy, and FOX TV) for billions of dollars for spreading
many of the above-mentioned lies…
They keep coming back.
They’re like a bad rash or incurable nail fungus. They’re like the Kardashians. They’re like a Zombie
Apocalypse. They’re the Energizer Bunny. They’re Wile E. Coyote falling off cliffs and smashing into
walls. They’re the old Timex watch that “takes a lickin’ but keeps on tickin.” You just can’t discourage
these critters. Their will to cheat is their super power crushing any impulse to play fair or accept
Witness now their latest ploys emanating from Zombie Headquarters in Georgia, ploys that are
spreading like COVID-19 to Republican state houses across the country. It’s pure genius: if you
cannot win playing by the rules, change the rules so you can win. Building on generations of voter
suppression they are now taking gerrymandering to a new heights, making it is easier to pick your
voters and exclude your opponents.
It’s Jim Crow redux. Limit the number of voting days. Impose new restrictions on registering and
voting. While guessing the number of jelly beans in a jar may be an outdated ploy, the new rules are
more devious: Restrict mail-in voting on bogus, unproven fraud charges. Eliminate Sunday voting.
Eliminate drop-off ballot boxes. Close election stations at 5 PM. Make drinking water in voting lines
illegal, hoping perhaps that your opponent will either stay home and hydrate or die in the hot Georgia
(or N.C.) sun. Genius. Pure genius. The Joker himself would be green with envy.
This is a leap, but I plan to use the craven, cheat-savvy skills of the N.C. Republicans to come to the
aid of our state NFL team. I’m planning a grass roots movement to enlist their aid to help my losing
Panthers win. Since their losing record mimics the dire fortunes of the national Republican Party, I
believe NC Republicans could help rig and reverse the losing fortunes of our team.
Any “right-thinking” Republican would agree that it is totally unfair that the Panthers seem to lose so
consistently. Just because the other teams have better players, better coaches, and score more
points than our team doesn’t mean we should concede defeat.
My solution, which I will urge upon the Republican-controlled General Assembly, is simple.
First, we imitate golf – low score wins.
Second, the other team can only have six players on the field at any one time, and they cannot wear
helmets or cleats.
Third, we get to choose the refs for every game – only pudgy white guys wearing MAGA hats.
Fourth, all of our games will be home games, and no opposing fans will be allowed in our stadium.
Fifth, every time their defense crosses the line of scrimmage and tries to tackle one of our players a
15-yard penalty will be assessed and the offending player will be sent to an opponents’ only penalty
Sixth, the opposing team’s offense must play with a football the size of a beach ball.
Seventh, if at any point in the game, the Panthers are unaccountably ahead in the score, the game
will be called and the Panthers will be declared winners.
Eighth, if by any chance the Panthers still manage to lose, the score will be challenged in a
Kangaroo-style court featuring Judge Janine, Rudy Giuliani, Sean Hannity, and Laura Ingraham.
I think this plan is custom-made for our Republican legislators.