A Satire for the Holidays

Reading from a Teleprompter and taking no questions, Donald J. Trump, chief White House resident, today announced that he had created “The American College and Temple of Vestal Virgins.”   Trump learned of this ancient Roman institution from his Attorney General and Classics Scholar, Jeff Sessions, who told Trump that Roman King Numa (717-673 BC) established the state-financed temple for his Empire.   Sessions thought it fitting that Trump should do for his America First Empire, what King Numa had done for Rome.

The Temple of the Vestals contained the sacred fire that was not allowed to go out and by so doing kept Rome dominant and successful for a thousand years.  Alas, the sacred fire was extinguished in 394 A.D. by the Christians and almost immediately Rome was captured, sacked and the empire destroyed.  This was done by foreign immigrants, as Trump’s Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, stressed.  And, according to her, Trump foresees a similar fate for his American empire if sexual mischief and harassment are not stopped or, at least, re-defined by him.

Trump believes America needs a similar temple and college of virgins, with a sacred fire dedicated to the searching out and destruction of some sexual practices in our institutions and as well, the promotion of national chastity. The Temple will be funded by the Ethics Committees of the U.S. Senate and Congress.  Trump pledged that his government salary–plus his personal dedication and vigorous oversight to the cause of all virgins– would be his contributions to the Virgins Fund.

The Temple will be located within viewing and walking distance of the U.S. Capitol Building so the eternal flame from the sacred Virginal Fire can be seen burning day and night from the office windows and balconies of the Capitol and House and Senate Office Buildings.

To become a Roman Vestal Virgin, a woman had to be free of physical and mental defects and be Virgo Intacta.  When asked by FOX reporters at the White House news conference what that meant, Ms. Sander googled and found that it, indeed, meant what the Latin suggested.  This real fact would soon become crucial in the selection process of the Vestals.  “How would this be enforced?”  Sean Hannity thundered on his evening show.   Permanent Hannity expert guest, Newt Gingrich, suggested employing a Trump University trained gynecologist who would use the techniques developed by the royal House of Windsor in the U.K. and the Trump organization in New York.  As alternatives, Newt said the Temple could recruit Trump’s personal New York physician, Dr. Bornstein, or, in an emergency, Gingrich himself would volunteer pro bono services.

According to Trump, six vestal virgins would be selected who were confirmed Virgo Intacta and sworn to celibacy for 30 years as was the case in Rome.  Trump felt that each of the six networks (ABC, CBS, FOX, NBC, MSNBC AND PBS) should select one of their female newsroom anchors or reporters for this honor.  Television news personnel at the White House press conference asserted they saw few problems with this Virgo Intacta requirement.   However, it was noted that the FOX, NBC and PBS spokespersons were noticeably skittish about verifying that any of their Anchors would qualify.

There were three exceptions Mr. Trump made in duplicating the structure of the Roman Vestal Virgins.  The first was to increase the number to seven, adding a Virgo Vestalis Maxima (“greatest of the Vestal Virgins”) to preside over, lead and do the public relations for the other six priestesses.   Trump said he had appointed Kellyanne Conway to the post as she needed something to do in the West Wing, and she would provide a fresh look at the sexual harassment problem.  A CNN reporter asked Ms. Sanders if: “Ms. Conway met the, er, technical qualifications of the post” and Sanders replied that whether Ms. Conway was or was not technically qualified, the President has to deal immediately with these severe threats, no matter how you look at it.

Later that day, initial reports from the networks, in surveying and recruiting their newsrooms for female staff interested and qualified to meet Vestal Virgin standards, were mixed and often disappointing.   Network executives found they were going to have to reach further down in their news organizations—perhaps to the level or below of their interns—to find suitable candidates.

The second exception to the Roman model includes an investigating agency—the Vestal Virgin Investigation Agency (VVIA) that will report directly to Mr. Trump and will be headed by Mike Pompeo, currently the Director of the CIA and next in line to head the State Department, FBI, Consumer Product Safety Commission, the Department of Homeland Security and the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.   This week, the White House Political Division added Roy Moore to the short list of VVIA candidates.

The third exception to the Roman Vestals College will be the establishment of a Court of Virgin Appeals.   Decisions by the Vestal Virgins on sexual harassment charges may be appealed to this court whose qualifications are: “empathetic to male misunderstanding what harassment means, denying charges made without judicial evidence, gossip and hearsay, personal animosity or financial gain.”  Once again, drawing on the in-house expertise of FOX News, Trump suggested that their noon TV show “Outumbered” (aka “Thighs and Sighs”) could served as a temporary appeals court.   They already have a set with a couch, so the appellant can sit in the middle of his four female judges.

The Vestal Virgins will have a dress code.  They must wear ankle-length, white, Teflon gowns and veils when in public, cannot wear any makeup, push-up bras, skirts (mini or otherwise), no lace or thong panties, and no high heel pumps.  The Virgins are prohibited from viewing pornography, prime time TV shows, magazines, fashion shows, attending coed cocktail parties and receptions.  They may not meet alone in any place with any man except Vice President Pence.

These restrictions are necessary even though today’s conventional wisdom asserts that all sexual misbehavior stems from the absolute and total power men have over women—and not from any mutual physical, emotional or intellectual attractions between men the two genders.

Finally, the Virgins will have prominent places of honor at all presidential, U.S. Senate and Congressional events.

Ms. Sanders concluded the press conference by volunteering that the White House had drawn heavily on the FOX News organization and personnel because they—through the early contributions of Roger Ailes and Bill O’Reilly—had brought this matter to the attention of America and the world.

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