Dear Secretary Wos,

Thank you for considering me for any positions that might be open or invented at the Department of Health and Human Services. Especially consider me for ones with big severance packages. I’m also attracted to the ones that have 30% raises after the first couple of months.

I won’t be particular about which job you give me. I’m obviously qualified for them all since I’ve spent the past 20 years working in politics. However, I also served on the board of a day care center that served low-income families from 1990-1993. That probably qualifies me to oversee the Early Childhood Education program if you’re still having trouble filling that spot. Speaking of Early Childhood, did Dianna Lightfoot get a severance package, too?

Really, though, I’m probably best suited for your communications team. As I said, I’ve worked in politics for twenty years. I know most of the reporters covering state government and have at least a working relationship with them. The people you have in place now, obviously do not.

While I can’t control boneheaded moves like hiring people who have no experience, I can make sure that your voice is part of the public dialogue and that your point of view is represented in the press. I’ll also help you articulate exactly what is wrong with the department since all we’ve heard is that you “inherited a mess.” Nobody knows what that means.

I’ll also make sure that a member of our communications team is traveling with you at all times until the controversies surrounding DHHS have calmed down. That way, we can intercept the reporters instead of your bodyguards. And, I’ll help you develop talking points and coach you on how to respond to questions without giving an answer that gets you in trouble. That way you won’t have to run away from the press in the first place.

Finally, I won’t embarrass you by letting your staff put out silly looking graphics to explain all the good things you’ve done. Think about it. If you can explain the progress you’ve made in a single graphic describing the largest, most complicated department in state government, you probably haven’t done much, have you? (Who came up with that idea anyhow? An intern?)

Thanks for taking time to review my application and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

Thomas Mills

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